


Research and Development

by cumaeansibyl



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Screwtape Letters - C. S. Lewis
Genre: Gen, i don't make the rules, they're in the same universe, utter self-indulgence, you know this would have happened if they ever met
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-23 01:49:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23603764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cumaeansibyl/pseuds/cumaeansibyl
Summary: A junior tempter is made useful.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 34





	Research and Development

My dear Wormwood,

It’s no use complaining to me about the rites of passage inflicted on junior tempters by the senior devils of the Earth. We invented hazing, after all; it only stands to reason that it is still practiced on those without the infernal sense to make themselves too dangerous to be trifled with.

The particular instrument of your education is one well known to me, though not by that name. You ought yet to recall your history courses well enough to know why (though Hell does not indulge in nostalgia) your tormentor remains a favourite of Our Father Below. It pleases me to hear that he still knows the value of minor torments; far from whining to me to use my influence against him – an impertinence noted for the record – you ought to appreciate being made useful for once.

The research department awaits a report on this new addition to the catalogue of ritual humiliations, this “swirlie.” Tell Crowley from me there’ll be a commendation in it if the next one teaches you to know your place.

Your affectionate uncle,  
Screwtape

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted [on my tumblr](https://cumaeansibyl.tumblr.com/post/185828914406), so if it looks familiar, that's why.
> 
> Screwtape and Crowley agree very much on making people _just_ bad enough for Hell, without risking anything like the deathbed conversion of the very wicked, but they still hate each other because Screwtape's a prick and Crowley's a twit.
> 
> In my head Screwtape is Dagon's undersecretary.


End file.
